sequel to The Hotline. warnings: total crack.
"Why are you having this party again?" John asked.
"Because those morons that I work with think I come home to a miserable existence," Rodney told him. "But I'm better than them at everything, and people as hot as you won't even talk to them. Except for Samantha and Daniel, who are annoyingly hot themselves; but I have different reasons for wanting them here."
Rodney smiled rather evilly and John rolled his eyes. "I'm not your trophy wife, you know," John told him.
"I know that," Rodney said, checking his reflection again. "You're my kept man."
"I'm not--" John stopped himself, and gave a rather exaggerated sigh. "Yeah, okay, I kind of am, but that's only because you got me fired and apparently, there isn't a lot of paying work for surfers."
The doorbell rang and Rodney grinned, bouncing on his heels. "Someone's here!" He glanced over at John, noted the way he was slouching on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table and reached down to grab his ankles and drop them off.
"Hey," John protested.
"Now remember, just sit there and be hot and everyone will be fantastically jealous," Rodney told him.
"I'll try my best," John said sulkily.
Rodney opened the door, put on his best fake welcome smile, saw who was standing there, and then slammed the door shut. He turned to look at John, and narrowed his eyes. "Why is Bruno the walking dictionary standing outside my door with chips and a six-pack?" he snapped.
John glanced up. "Oh, I invited him to the party," he said. "I didn't tell you?"
"This is a respectable gathering," Rodney snapped.
"I can kind of hear you," Bruno said through the door.
Rodney ignored him and crossed his arms. "Who else did you invite?" he snapped.
"Just Bruno and Ned," John assured. "All my other friends hate you."
Rodney closed his eyes for a moment; he knew he would regret asking. "Ned?"
"Leggy blonde," John said. "Voice like Sylvester Stallone."
"Oh dear god," Rodney snapped, but he opened the door again.
Bruno pushed his way past him. "This is a party?" he asked.
"Aside from being unwanted," Rodney said testily, "you're early."
Bruno shrugged and dropped onto the couch beside John, offering him a beer. John took one and Rodney walked over and grabbed it from him, before pulling the rest of them and the chips from Bruno's hands. "We're having wine," he said.
"Your boyfriend's a snob," Bruno told John.
"He's just stressed out because he's introducing me to his ex-girlfriend," John told him.
"Sam was never my girlfriend, she could never see my worth," Rodney told him. "I pulled out the stops for her, too. I was absolutely charming. I think the problem is she has daddy issues, or she would totally have gone for me."
The doorbell rang again and Rodney glared at John and Bruno. "No mentioning phone sex, got it? We'll save the story of how we met for the Christmas party."
Rodney opened the door and breathed a sigh of relief when it was Daniel Jackson and Samantha Carter. "Come in come in," Rodney told them, before he'd even pulled the door open all the way.
"Are we the first here?" Sam asked warily.
"Not quite," John said, as he stood to greet them. He smiled at Daniel. "Dr. Jackson, nice to see you again." He held out his hand for Sam. "And you must be Samantha Carter. Rodney talks about you all the time. I mean all the time."
Rodney glared at him, and Sam gave him a bemused little smile. "And you are...?"
"He's my boyfriend," Rodney said quickly. "He lives here. We live together. We're practically married." John snorted and Rodney elbowed him in the ribs.
Sam's eyes widened. "Really? Wow. Congratulations, I guess."
Rodney smiled at her broadly. "I know you're probably feeling awful, utterly devastated." He grabbed a glass of wine off the end table and thrust it in her hands. "Here, you probably need this more than I do."
"You have no idea," Sam said, accepting it gratefully. Daniel watched her with amusement as she tilted her head back and swallowed it in one go. It had taken some time to do it, but Daniel had finally managed to convince her that coming to the party would be better than listening to Rodney complain about how she didn't for the next six months.
Rodney rolled back on his heels, watching Daniel and Sam. "Well, this was a good idea, wasn't it? Wasn't this a good idea? We never do anything together. It's all about saving the world."
"Rodney," Sam said warningly.
"What?" he asked. "Everyone knows I have high goals." Rodney opened his mouth to start talking about how hot and great John was, when 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood started blaring from his speakers.
Rodney turned wide horrified eyes towards his stereo and saw Bruno hovering over it. Rodney shoved John towards him. "Get him away from there, and turn off the music!"
The door swung up and Ned walked in. "Is this the party?" she asked. Daniel's eyes widened at the strong mannish voice coming out of her and Sam nearly spit out her latest sip of wine.
"This is just perfect," Rodney said.
Ned started singing along with Frankie Goes to Hollywood, apparently unconcerned with Rodney. "Wanna dance, sweetie?" Ned asked Daniel.
"I'm not really...much of a dancer," Daniel said, but Ned grabbed his hand and pulled him against her. "Um...okay. So dancing."
Sam smiled and Rodney pointed at her. "Just drink your wine. No comments."
"I wasn't going to say a thing," Sam said. "I just can't believe that I thought this party would be boring."
Dr. Lee, Simpson, Radek and Carson wandered in next. "Hey, Rodney," Carson said. "Lively party, isn't it?"
"Where's Cadman?" Rodney asked, looking warily over Carson's shoulder.
"She had to work, I'm afraid," Carson said.
"Thank god," Rodney said. He closed the door and glanced suspiciously through the peephole. "She gives me the creeps."
"Rodney," Carson snapped. "She's a lovely young woman."
"She looks at me weird," Rodney said. "It's like she knows too much."
Carson sighed at Rodney's latest insanity and moved into the room. Ned was still clinging onto Daniel and Daniel was shooting Rodney a glare over her shoulder that promised revenge. Rodney shivered. That was all he needed, to be on Daniel's bad side along with everything else.
If Daniel didn't get him with his interesting talent of inspiring guilt, he'd sic Jack on him.
Rodney turned his head when he heard Sam laughing, and narrowed his eyes at where she stood with John near the stereo. He marched over to them purposely when John leaned over to whisper something to her.
"What's going on here?" Rodney snapped.
"I was just telling John here that he must be a saint," Sam said sweetly.
John laughed. "And I told her that you had to put up with a lot more from me than I do from you, but I don't think she believed me."
"Believe him," Rodney said. "The Amazon molesting Daniel is his friend."
"We're not actually sure Ned is a woman," John said. "She says it's not polite to ask a woman if she's a woman."
"That's true," Sam said. "It's not very polite at all."
"Oh like you've been asked that," Rodney snapped.
"Once," Sam said. "In a place far far away."
"What, like New York?" John asked.
"Yes," Sam deadpanned. "It was in New York."
"While I'm just pleased as punch that you two are getting along," Rodney said. "I know what this is, Samantha, and you can't have him."
"Excuse me?" Sam asked.
"She keeps trying to compete with me," Rodney whispered to John.
"I’m not competing with you, Rodney, it's all in your head," Sam said. "Although I do have a boyfriend. His name is Pete. He's a police officer."
"John's a surfer," Rodney said. "I win."
Sam glanced at John speculatively. "Okay," she said. "You're right. You win." Then she downed her second glass of wine and wandered off.
"Pity about her," Rodney said. "She had such potential, and now her jealously has driven her to drinking. What a waste."
"Forget about her," John said, and grabbed Rodney's hand. "Let's dance."
"To this song?" Rodney said incredulously.
"This is our song," John said, simultaneously pouting and bouncing on his heels.
"This is not our song," Rodney snapped. "This barely qualifies as song a at all."
"It was playing in the office when you first called," John said.
"I can't decide whether that's romantic or horrifying," Rodney said. "Though I suppose I should be touched you remembered."
"Just dance," John said.
Rodney wasn't, as it happened, the best of dancers, but for John he was willing to do a lot of things. He was just starting to have fun, trying to follow John's steps and soak up his laughter when Ned came out from nowhere and cut in.
John was biting his lip to keep from laughing as Ned swept Rodney away, and Rodney got one quick glimpse of Daniel's evil smirk before Ned twirled him around.
The sequel: Ring Off