Layton Colt (laytoncolt) wrote in nixa_jane,
Layton Colt

SGA: Rodney's Big Day (PG-13), McKay/Sheppard.

"Elizabeth is trading me in for a ZPM?"

Note: This is total crack and barely a real fic, but I wrote this awhile back for FCOL on her birthday, and thought I'd go ahead and put it up here.

"I'm allowed to gloat a little," Rodney said.

"You'll gloat over anything," John snapped, rather pettily, in Rodney's opinion.

"Oh, come on, you're Kirk," he said. "This stuff happens to you all the time, and I’m very understanding about it, why can't you just be happy for me?"

"You're never understanding," John said. "And I've never gotten myself hitched to some princess!"

"I'd hardly call her a princess," Rodney said. "They've barely discovered the wheel."

"I don’t think you're quite comprehending the gravity of the situation here, Rodney," John said, and crossed his arms.

Rodney leaned over the food tray, checking again that nothing smelled of citrus, before taking a cracker. "They're lavishing me with food, and gave me a twig crown, and called me their new beloved," Rodney said smartly, holding up his crown of twigs as evidence of his newfound importance. "For once we've met a culture with the presence of mind to see my worth. I'm not seeing a problem."

"The problem, Rodney," John said, with a rather transparent veil of sweetness, "is they've married you off, and they're probably, maybe, expecting you to participate in some kind of honeymoon."

"Oh, well, yeah," Rodney said. "I figure it's only fair, though, you've cheated on me with princesses."

"I've never....okay, first off, we were not even together with the whole Chaya thing and--"

"I've heard your excuses all before," Rodney interrupted, and waved his hand. "Anyway, you don't have to worry your pretty head. I have eyes only for you, Colonel."

Rodney was eyeing up the highly stacked tray of food with a look rather close to his bedroom eyes, so John had his doubts about the validly of that last statement. "And just how do you plan to get around it?" John asked.

"We'll tell them that I'm married already," Rodney said easily. "Or I'll tell them my heart belongs to Samantha Carter, on a world far far away--" John continued to glare at him, so Rodney rolled his eyes. "I just can't win with you today, can I?"

"Weir wants you to play along, Rodney," John snapped tensely.

Rodney's eyes widened and he sat up straight. "She wants me to what?" Rodney yelled. "Who the hell does she think I am? Daniel Jackson? I don't accept gift wives!"

John's lips were pursed, and Rodney's gut clenched when he realized he might actually be serious. "They're giving us the ZPM as a wedding gift."

Rodney's breath hitched. They'd been trying to negotiate for it for days to no avail, but-- "Elizabeth is trading me in for a ZPM?" Rodney hissed.

"She just wants you to play along until it's on Atlantis," John told him, reaching up a hand to rub at his eyes. "I tried to talk her out of it."

"Obviously not hard enough!" Rodney said. "I can't be married! She's not even blonde."

John hands dropped back down and he glared at him. "So, what, if she was you'd be fine with this whole thing?"

Rodney smirked for a moment, forgoing panic to enjoy what was a lovely turning of certain tables. "Jealous is a really good look for you," he said. "No, really, I like it. It adds a lovely green tinge to your eyes."

"This isn't jealousy," John said tensely. "I'm just worried for you. What do we know about these people? Nothing. For all we know they mate and then chop their husband's heads off."

"We've met a lot of married men here," Rodney said. "All with heads. You're so jealous."

John's eyes narrowed. "Am I the only one that finds it odd that Elizabeth, our moral guide, is willing to prostitute you for ZPMs?" he asked.

Rodney snorted. "No," he said, "but I actually find it kind of flattering. I've never been traded as a sex-object before. Usually people want me for my mind."

"Okay, fine," John snapped. "Congratulations then. Have a lovely honeymoon. Try and send a postcard."

John spun on his heel and Rodney leapt up from the bed, catching his wrist and pulling him back. "That's not what I mean," he said, frustrated. "I'm not, I wouldn't..."

Rodney didn't know what else to say, so he kissed John softly instead. "I didn't want this to happen," he told him, mostly apologetically.

"You know you don't have to do anything you don't want to, right?" John told him quietly. "Say the word, and we'll leave. Weir can yell at me if she wants, I'm used to it."

"Am I interrupting?" John and Rodney glanced up in surprise as Rodney's wife strolled into the room, and collapsed on the bed. "You don't have to stop on my account."

"This isn't--" John started.

"Oh, it's okay," she said, with a grievous sigh, before turning to Rodney. "I should have known you were too charming to be unspoken for. I always choose the wrong men."

"Charming?" John repeated, incredulous, and Rodney shoved him.

"I don't suppose you'd let me watch?" she asked. "Or join in?"

John's face scrunched up in distaste, and when Rodney actually seemed to be considering it, it was John's turn to shove him. Rodney rubbed at his arm where John had hit him and shook his head. "I don't think so," he said. "I know you're my wife, but it doesn't seem right."

"Oh well," she said. "It was worth a try." She lifted a small duffle bag and thrust it into Rodney's hands. "You can have this anyway, I don't want it. It makes such a dreadful centerpiece."

Rodney frowned and opened the bag. His eyes widened when he saw what was inside, and he stared at it with reverence. "We can just have this?" he asked. "I don't have to sleep with you?" She pouted a little, so Rodney quickly backtracked. "Not that I wouldn't want to--" John glared at him again. "Not that I do want to--Oh, would you both just stop looking at me like that? You're ruining my big day."

"Rodney," John snapped.

"No, you don't understand," Rodney said, and he pulled a ZPM from the bag.

John broke out into a reluctant grin. "Cool," he said.

"Cool?" Rodney said, wide-eyed. "This may be the best day ever."

"I thought you said getting together with me was the best day ever?" John said haughtily.

"Well, yeah, but I've still got you," Rodney said. "And now I've got a spare ZPM and a wife to boot."

John slapped him upside the head for that, but he was smiling.
Tags: mckay/sheppard, sga, slash

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