21 February 2009 @ 09:11 pm
SGA: Ring Off (R), McKay/Sheppard.  
"This is worse than the time you thought McKay was involved with some government conspiracy and was actually visiting other worlds on his business trips to Toronto."



sequel to The Hotline, and The Partyline, the absolute last one for this series, I mean it this time. This was written for mcalex22 and mary_russell11, who wanted more Phone Sex fic, with a jealous John.



"Shh," John said, "Jeez, do you want us to be spotted? Who brings Cheetos to a stakeout, anyway? You're practically glowing neon orange."

Bruno glared at him, licking Cheeto dust off his fingertips. "I didn't know I would end up on a stakeout. You told me we were going to watch football."

John ignored him, leaning forward with his binoculars. "I don't see him. Do you see him?"

"Unless those are X-Ray goggles, I'm pretty sure you can't see him because he went inside that building twenty minutes ago," Bruno said. "And now I'm out of Cheetos."

John grabbed the bag from him irritably, and threw it in the back of his Jeep. "How can you even eat at time like this?"

"You mean dinnertime?" Bruno asked.

"He told me he was working," John said. "Does this look work-related to you? This is the Hilton. He's having an affair. I knew it. I bet it's that Sam Carter. I should have taken Rodney more seriously when he told me how she's been after him for years."

"He's not cheating on you," Bruno said. "You've just gone crazy since you started dating him. Apparently it's contagious."

"But he is," John said. "He came home last night smelling like White Shoulders."

"How do you know what White Shoulders smells like?" Bruno asked.

"My grandmother used to wear it," John said.

Bruno shook his head. "Yeah, that's pretty worrying."

"We're going to have to go in," John said. He reached into the back and pulled out a black duffle bag.

"What's that, your spy kit?" Bruno asked.

"That's exactly what it is," John said. He pulled out a dark blue blazer and put it on, fixing the collar of his white shirt. "We're going to have to blend in. This is a classy place. I guess I should be grateful he's not having some seedy affair at the Motel Six."

He glanced at Bruno, who was mostly taking up the entire passenger seat area, his head firmly pressed against the canvas top of his jeep. "Yeah, I'm good at blending in," Bruno said.

John and Bruno got out of the car, and John slunk along the edge of the Hilton, leaning over to look through the glass front doors into the lobby. Bruno walked up beside him. "Coast is clear," John said, before slipping inside.

He stuck his hands in his pockets and tried to look casual. Everyone in the whole lobby turned to stare at Bruno with their mouths hanging open. A little kid walked up and stared up at him. "Hey, aren't you The Rock?"

Bruno looked down at him. "No," he said.

The kid backed away with wide eyes. Bruno sucked the rest of the Cheetos off his fingers, and John grabbed his sleeve to tug him away. "Can you at least try and look less conspicuous?" he asked. "We're incognito here, in case you've forgotten."

John went up to the receptionist and gave a blinding smile, which managed to get her attention away from Bruno. "Hi," he said pleasantly. "I'm looking for someone. About five eleven. Gorgeous blue eyes. Answers to the name Rodney McKay, but he might be using an alias, since apparently he's cheating on me, possibly with a blonde astrophisa-bimbo."

"Oh," she said, frowning a little as she tried to decipher what he'd said. "Rodney McKay? I believe he's with the party in the ballroom on the second floor. But it's invitation only."

John smiled again. "Oh, too bad then. I'll just have to catch him cheating some other time."

The receptionist nodded dazedly and John pulled Bruno away. "Why do I get the feeling you're not really giving up?" Bruno asked resignedly.

"Please," John said. "We're taking the stairs."

He raced into the stairwell, and Bruno followed close behind. "Don't you think you're kind of acting insane?" Bruno asked. "This is worse than the time you thought McKay was involved with some government conspiracy and was actually visiting other worlds on his business trips to Toronto."

"Oh, don't get me started on that," John said. "I told you that he used to work at Area 51, right?"

"Only about five hundred times this week," Bruno said.

"Well, he did," John said. "We were watching Independence Day last Friday and he kept talking about all the stuff they were getting wrong."

"That's because he thinks of anything that isn't Doctor Who as sacrilegious," Bruno said.

John stopped on the stairs, turning to look at him. "It's weird that you know that," he said.

"You left me alone with him for an hour once when you were running late," Bruno said. "It was all he talked about, and it was kind of creepy. He's probably not cheating on you. He's probably secretly visiting the conventions."

John considered this. "It's possible," he admitted. "Only one way to find out."

"I was afraid you would say that," Bruno said.

John carefully opened the door leading to the second floor, peeking out to make sure no one was in the hallway. He motioned for Bruno to follow him and then tiptoed out. "Uh oh," John said. "They've got the big one guarding the door."

Bruno leaned out. A large man was standing in front of the doors, wearing a large fedora and a tan raincoat, looking somewhat like a cross between Mr. T and Dick Tracy. "He's not so big," Bruno said.

"Right, forgot who I was talking to," John said. "That's Teal'c. I'm going to need you to distract him."

"How?" Bruno asked.

John bit his lip, and tried to remember everything Rodney had ever told him about Teal'c, which had mostly been things like, oh my god, I thought he was going to kill me, or Teal'c tried to turn me to dust with his eyes again but I managed to prevail. John grinned as remembered something else, Rodney's throwaway comment a few nights ago: I finally found out how to keep him from killing me. It turns out Ice Cream is like his catnip. I'm getting a fridge for my office and Klondike bars in bulk.

"Tell him they're giving away ice cream in the lobby," John said.

Bruno shrugged and wandered off. He and Teal'c faced off, sizing each other up and coming to pretty much the same conclusions. "They're giving away free ice cream in the lobby," Bruno said. "Spread the word."

Bruno wandered back over. John watched as Teal'c stood in the doorway and twitched, before leaning inside, grabbing someone's arm and pulling them out.

"Daniel Jackson, you must stand guard," Teal'c said. "I must go to the lobby."

Daniel frowned. "Is something wrong?" he asked.

"I have been told that there is ice cream there," Teal'c said, and quickly disappeared into the elevator.

"We better make sure we're gone before he finds out there's no ice cream," John told Bruno. "I have a feeling it isn't going to be pretty."

"There's still a guard," Bruno pointed out. "And Daniel knows us."

"Exactly," John said, moving out of the hall. "He knows us."

Daniel's eyes widened as he saw John and Bruno. "Oh, uh, hey, guys, what are you doing here?"

"I was invited," John said. "Bruno's my plus one."

Daniel frowned. "Um."

"What's wrong? Is there some reason why Rodney wouldn't want me here?" John asked.

"Well," Daniel said, trailing off. "This is kind of work-related."

Bruno hit John. "I told you. We could be watching football."

John took a step to the side, out of Bruno-hitting reach. "Is Sam here?" John asked, going for casual.

"Yes," Daniel said. "But I really don't think, I mean, do you have...you know, your invitation?"

John placed a hand over his heart. "Daniel, I'm wounded. You know me. Surely you don't need to check something so trivial among friends."

"Well," Daniel said. "It's kind of required, you know, and Jack's a little touchy about these things."

"I knew you would understand," John said, slipping past Daniel and into the ballroom. Bruno and Daniel both followed, Daniel politely asking him to head back outside all the while.

John scanned the room quickly, caught sight of Jack in the corner, who shook his head in resignation and then ran a hand down his face when he saw them. Then he saw Rodney in the middle of the room, beside a table with a bunch of car parts on it, talking to a beautiful woman.

"I knew it!" he told Bruno.

"John!" Rodney shouted, startled. The woman with him looked confused, but more interested than surprised. She pushed a strand of curly brown hair out of her eyes and then took another sip of wine.

"Well, doesn't this look cozy," John said. He was smiling brightly, but if he ground his teeth together any harder there were going to be sparks.

Rodney continued being confused for about another forty seconds. "What are you doing here? What happened? How did you even find me? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," John said haughtily, before sizing up the woman standing all of two feet from Rodney. John narrowed his eyes at her. "Is that White Shoulders you're wearing?"

"It is," she said, looking pleased. "I always--"

"Yeah, that's nice," John said, turning back to Rodney. "I thought you were working late tonight. I called you at your office and you didn't answer."

Rodney suddenly lit up like it was Christmas. "Oh my god," he said. "You're totally jealous. This is fantastic."

Weir looked startled and John's smile congealed. "I am not jealous," he said.

"Please, you're totally jealous," Rodney said. "Which, as you know, is completely ridiculous, since I'm completely crazy in love with you."

John crossed his arms, trying not to give into sweet talk too early. "What about her?" he asked, and pointed at the woman. "You've come home smelling like White Shoulders for the last eight nights."

"John, she's my new boss, Elizabeth Weir. There's nothing going on. I've been working late because I've been involved with a new and very important project," Rodney said. "One, I might add, that I just turned down because I don’t want to be away from you!"

"Oh," John said, feeling embarrassed. He reached out and placed his hand on the table, leaning against it as what Rodney had told him sunk in.

He'd barely touched the table when everything lit up and started beeping, one of them vibrating and screeching and rolling right off the table. "Uh, did I do that?" John asked, backing away.

John shook his hand out, staring at the table suspiciously, and then belatedly noticed that everyone in the room was staring at him with huge eyes. "Um, sorry," John said.

"Did you see that?" Rodney asked, turning towards Weir. "He's got--you know, he's got--" Rodney glanced over at Bruno, and then back to Weir. "He's got it."

Weir put on her car salesman smile. "Mr. Sheppard, correct?" she asked, holding out a hand. "How would you like a job?"

John glanced at Rodney. "Rodney, what's going on?"

Rodney was practically bouncing. "Oh, you're going to love this. We get to go there--to--to--" Rodney looked at Bruno again. "To Toronto."

"Toronto," John repeated, looking at the devices on the table, a few of them still glowing, and realization sunk in. "I knew that's what it was! I knew you weren't cheating on me."

"We can't talk about this here," Rodney said. "We'll sort things out after, you know." He nudged his head in Bruno's direction.

"I can honestly say I don't want to know," Bruno said, heading back towards the door. "Just for once, I'd actually like to just watch football."

John reached out, grabbing a small blue object off the table like he couldn't help himself. It glowed brightly in his hand and he stared at it with mesmerized eyes. "Well, I am about due for a new job," he said, and grinned.
 
 
( Post a new comment )
adafrogadafrog on February 22nd, 2009 - 06:00 am
lol I LOVE Bruno. He and Teal'c should have an affair.
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Macmaco_x on February 22nd, 2009 - 02:47 pm
omg - I think I just ruptured something I had to laugh so hard! XD

*has image stuck in head*
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
adafrogadafrog on February 23rd, 2009 - 11:43 pm
hee!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: michael barslaytoncolt on February 24th, 2009 - 04:54 am
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
dhrachthdhrachth on February 22nd, 2009 - 06:16 am
I really, really like Wacky!John&Rodney. XD
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: john and rodneylaytoncolt on February 24th, 2009 - 04:55 am
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
autumnbookautumnbook on February 22nd, 2009 - 06:56 am
Just read Party Line and Ring Off, I was trying so hard not to laugh so I could continue reading I started snorting. Thank goodness only the cats got to heard that! Thank you for the laughs(snorts). I think you should write Teal'c, Ronon and Bruno together on Earth I could just picture it with Ned and Teyla having chat on the sidelines. I know you said no more sequels but so few people can write humor as well as you.
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: johnny stormlaytoncolt on February 24th, 2009 - 04:56 am
Thanks so much! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
Buttercupbbuttercup on February 22nd, 2009 - 07:07 am
Hilarious! Love LOVE jealous John, and Bruno is the best OC I've read in a long time. :o)
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: sg-1 dream teamlaytoncolt on February 24th, 2009 - 04:57 am
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
Macmaco_x on February 22nd, 2009 - 02:54 pm
Hahaaa!!!!

OMG I LOVE this series!

I think it scares me a bit how not-unrealistic this scenario is... :-)

I know you said this was definitely the last installment, but surely you can't really mean that, can you... *puppy eyes*

Also - I think adafrog is right: Bruno totally needs to hit on Teal'c. With ice cream. ( fedora?!?)
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: silly fangirllaytoncolt on February 24th, 2009 - 04:58 am
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
Ozsaur: Wistful Johnozsaur on February 22nd, 2009 - 03:23 pm
I think I have a little crush on Bruno! And he should make up with Teal'c with lots of ice cream.

Jealous John is hysterically funny! Enjoyed this very much.
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: john in atlantislaytoncolt on February 24th, 2009 - 04:59 am
Hee, thanks, hun! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
d_odysseyd_odyssey on February 22nd, 2009 - 05:25 pm
Jealous!John and his sidekick Cheetos!Bruno rock! This was so much fun, stakeouts, disguises, ice cream trickery and finally, discovery. Enjoyed John's relentless pursuit of Rodney and the White Shoulders scent. Hee, my Mom used to wear that many moons ago. Love Rodney's glee at John's jealousy and John lighting up the objects. I never get tired of, "Did I do that?". Wonderful addition to "Hotline" and "Party Line". I love this verse.
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: john in atlantislaytoncolt on February 24th, 2009 - 05:51 am
Thanks so much! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
viggofest: stardateviggofest on February 22nd, 2009 - 09:20 pm
"You're totally jealous! This is *fantastic*!"

Best. Line. Of. The. Week!

Please, do not end this storyline. I will have to search elsewhere for crack, and that's just a slippery slope down to working a phone sex hotline....
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: stanfordlaytoncolt on February 24th, 2009 - 05:52 am
Thank you!

It's definitely time to retire this verse, though. ;-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
melaganmelagan on February 23rd, 2009 - 12:25 am
Hee. This is awesome! I love jealous John.
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: psych 3laytoncolt on February 24th, 2009 - 05:53 am
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
Shelleyargosy on February 23rd, 2009 - 12:29 am
Jealous!John is my happy place. This was really cute!
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: john/aeryn otplaytoncolt on February 24th, 2009 - 05:53 am
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
ten million fireflies: *pout*oneechan19 on February 23rd, 2009 - 02:59 am
HEEE! Jealous-stealthy!John cracks me up. And the whole Teal'c part... hahahaha!

Your sequels are just as awesome as the original story. *loves the boys*
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: shep barslaytoncolt on February 24th, 2009 - 06:00 am
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
KBpsyko_kittie on February 23rd, 2009 - 02:21 pm
NO! This can't be the end. What happens when they get to Atlantis?!?! :)
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
KBpsyko_kittie on February 23rd, 2009 - 02:22 pm
I meant Toronto! lol
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: shep gorgeouslaytoncolt on February 24th, 2009 - 06:01 am
Hee! What goes on in Toronto is totally top secret, I'm not allowed to tell. ;-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
badwolf36badwolf36 on March 25th, 2009 - 08:16 am
This whole series was brilliant. Of course they would meet because John was working a sex hotline! Of course! Made of awesome you are. :D Thanks for sharing!
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: au mcsheplaytoncolt on March 25th, 2009 - 08:40 pm
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
pionie: John _touches_Rodney_by_xsacrificepionie on October 4th, 2009 - 04:44 pm
I really enjoyed this AU, it was a lot of fun!
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: au mcsheplaytoncolt on October 4th, 2009 - 10:24 pm
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
theeverdreamtheeverdream on December 21st, 2009 - 07:31 am
Best ending ever :):)
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: shep gorgeouslaytoncolt on December 21st, 2009 - 02:51 pm
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
just a geek: atlantis-john-rodneykatikat on December 22nd, 2009 - 10:37 pm
Bruno is A-amazing! What a great character!
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: think twicelaytoncolt on December 23rd, 2009 - 01:29 am
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
chanel_5chanel_5 on December 27th, 2009 - 09:52 am
Pity that you are not doing a sequel, 'cause I can just see Sumner coming up to john and asking him what he does, and of course john would tell him he's a sex phone worker, and that Sumner's voice sounds 'really familiar...' kind of like that stalker he had...
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
aqua_eyesaqua_eyes on February 23rd, 2010 - 06:55 pm
LMAO!
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
blackchaps: Shep by danceswithgaryblackchaps on April 6th, 2010 - 12:51 pm
These are such fun. *happy sigh*
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: au mcsheplaytoncolt on April 7th, 2010 - 03:12 am
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
Kt: Bananasktbean on April 10th, 2010 - 08:41 am
You have the best crack ever.
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: au mcsheplaytoncolt on April 10th, 2010 - 09:22 pm
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
(Anonymous) on December 25th, 2010 - 04:58 am
SGA: Ring Off
Fun series.
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
terrible_tues_3 on April 29th, 2011 - 01:06 pm
Ring Off (part 3 of the Hotline series)
Delightful series. Turns out, I had read this already, but could only remember things as they were about to happen. It's great to read something that actually puts a big smile on my face. I keep thinking that the amusing Bruno is an AU Ronon, but I wonder who Ned would be. lol Thanks for sharing your fiction.
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Layton Colt: connor and grexlaytoncolt on April 30th, 2011 - 12:32 am
Re: Ring Off (part 3 of the Hotline series)
Thank you! :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
Freeky DJfreekydj on April 20th, 2012 - 09:41 pm
OMG, this series was a riot to listen to and read. I listened to the first 2 then found this was out there too. What a happy surprise!
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
verob2002verob2002 on September 8th, 2012 - 03:52 am
awesome series!!!! LOL!!!
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)